Read Time – 3 Minutes

Ever feel like nothing you do is ever quite good enough?

No matter how hard you try, there’s always something that could be better?

Welcome to the exhausting world of perfectionism. It’s like carrying a heavy backpack full of “shoulds” everywhere you go – and trust me, that bag gets heavier over time.

But why do you feel this way in the first place? Why is there this constant pressure to be perfect?

As a coach, I’ve found that sometimes you need to understand why something is happening before you can move on from it. So let’s break it down.

#1 Your Childhood Set the Stage

The way you were raised plays a big role in shaping your thoughts about success, failure, and self-worth.

Our beliefs about ourselves are largely formed in childhood, based on the messages we receive from our parents and caregivers.

Here’s some parenting styles that contribute to perfectionism:

>> The Demanding Parent: If your parents set sky-high standards and you grew up feeling like you had to achieve to be loved or accepted, you may have internalized the belief that mistakes equal failure = not worthy of love.

>> The Perfectionist Parent: If your parents were high-achievers who were hard on themselves, you likely learned that success isn’t just important – it’s everything.

>> The Distracted Parent: If your caregivers were often busy or emotionally unavailable, you might have learned that being perfect was a way to get their attention and feel valued.

>> The Overwhelmed Parent: If your parents were struggling – with work stress, financial issues, or their own personal challenges – you might have believed that being perfect was the only way to avoid adding to their burden.

None of this means your parents had bad intentions. But it does explain why you might feel that your worth is tied to how flawlessly you perform.

#2 Society and Culture Reinforce Perfectionism

The impact of society, culture, and media on the development of perfectionism cannot be overlooked.

Society places a premium on external markers of success, such as wealth, status, and physical appearance, which fuels the drive for perfectionism.

We live in a world obsessed with achievement. From an early age, we’re told that we need straight A’s, the perfect job, the perfect body, the perfect Instagram feed. Social media makes it even worse. Everyone else looks like they have it all figured out, while we feel like we’re barely holding it together.

Cultural factors also play a significant role. 

Different cultures have varying standards and expectations about achievement, success, and personal fulfilment. Some cultures place an emphasis on academic or professional accomplishments, while others focus on social harmony or conformity. These cultural norms exert huge pressure on people to meet or exceed certain standards, leading to perfectionistic tendencies.

Media, including social media, further amplifies these societal and cultural influences.

It presents curated and idealized versions of people’s lives, often emphasizing achievement, beauty, and perfection.

Constant exposure to these unrealistic standards leads people to compare themselves unfavorably and strive for an unattainable level of perfection.

Societal and cultural messages reinforce the belief that worth, and acceptance are contingent upon meeting external expectations. This creates a fear of failure, criticism, or rejection, further fuelling perfectionistic tendencies.

Perfection is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that really preventing us from taking flight.

#3 Your Personality Plays a Role

Research suggests that certain personality traits play a role in shaping perfectionistic tendencies too.

The Big Five personality model is a framework used to describe human personality traits. Conscientiousness and neuroticism, two of the Big Five personality traits, are known to influence perfectionism.

>> Conscientiousness: people high in conscientiousness tend to be diligent, detail-oriented, and focused on achieving their goals.

While this can be beneficial, it also contributes to setting excessively high standards and a strong drive for flawlessness, which as we know, is often associated with perfectionism.

>> Neuroticism: high levels of neuroticism, characterized by emotional instability and a tendency to experience negative emotions, are often linked to perfectionism.

People high in neuroticism tend to have heightened self-doubt, fear of failure, and a strong need for control, which fuel their pursuit of perfection.

#4 Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) Are More Susceptible to Perfectionism

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) naturally pick up on subtleties and feel things more deeply. They notice every detail, every mistake, every nuance. This can be an incredible gift, but it may also lead to excessive self-criticism.

>> You notice and absorb expectations – If you’re an HSP, you may be more attuned to what people expect of you, making you feel like you have to meet impossible standards.

>> You overanalyze mistakes – Instead of brushing off a small error, an HSP might replay it over and over in their mind, reinforcing self-doubt and fear of failure.

>> You strive for control – Perfectionism often comes from wanting to control outcomes. But life is unpredictable, and trying to control everything only leads to stress and exhaustion.

How to Loosen the Grip of Perfectionism

If any of this sounds like you, take a deep breath. Perfectionism isn’t an identity – it’s a habit. And like any habit, it can be unlearned.

Here’s how:

#1 Practice Self-Compassion

Instead of beating yourself up, try treating yourself like you would a friend. If your friend made a mistake, you wouldn’t berate them, right? You’d reassure them. Do the same for yourself.

#2 Embrace “Good Enough”

Perfect is the enemy of progress. Sometimes, getting things done is better than making them flawless. If perfection is holding you back from starting or finishing something, remind yourself: done is better than perfect.

#3 Challenge Unrealistic Standards

Ask yourself: Would I expect this level of perfection from a friend? If not, why do you expect it from yourself? Challenge the belief that your worth depends on perfection and rewrite the story.

#4 Reduce Exposure to Toxic Standards

Curate your social media feed. Unfollow accounts that make you feel like you’re never doing enough. Follow people who share real, messy, unfiltered stories of success and failure.

#5 Reframe “Failure” as Growth

The fear of making mistakes fuels perfectionism. But here’s the truth: failure isn’t the end – it’s part of learning. What if instead of seeing failure as proof of your inadequacy, you saw it as a sign that you’re growing?

Remember, you don’t need to be perfect to be valuable, successful, or loved.

Perfectionism is a heavy burden, and carrying it around doesn’t make you better – it just makes you more exhausted.

The good news?

You can put that backpack of perfectionism down. Start by questioning the beliefs you’ve carried since childhood, challenging unrealistic expectations, and practicing self-compassion.

You are already enough. You always have been.

Cheering you on,

P.S. Whenever you’re ready, here’s how I can help you:

>> Free Training: The 3 Secret Saboteurs. Join me in this FREE training to learn how to overcome 3 secret saboteurs so that you can finally achieve your goals and live the life you actually want – without the stress and overwhelm. Watch now.

>> Spotlight Coaching Session: One hour 1:2:1 coaching session to explore one particular area where you need clarity and a way forward. Designed to be a catalyst for change - to explore the issues, help you identify initial actions and to get you moving. ​Book now.

>> Breakthrough Coaching: This is my transformative one-on-one coaching program designed to quickly and easily remove ALL the unhelpful beliefs, behaviours and negative emotions that are holding you back and keeping you stuck. Find out more here.

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